Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Randomize
