i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
