so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
