If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
