I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
