Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
