I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Randomize
