There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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