It's like God shit irony all over that family
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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