Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
