clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I came so hard my ears popped.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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