Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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