Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
