Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
