I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
