Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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