This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So apparently I’m into choking now
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