Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
