I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
