Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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