its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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