Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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