Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
