I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
