Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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