I'm jealous of your bromance
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
