if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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