i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
