so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
