I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
