I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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