woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
