I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
