just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What happened to fro yo and sex?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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