Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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