Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Come on in and take your pants off
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