You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize