Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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