Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
