Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
