You just made me feel so damn special
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
