Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
