Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
