Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros, bitch!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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