You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
