How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
