I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
