just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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