I need to stop coming to work sober
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
