I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
