Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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