I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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