if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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