I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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