theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
